Frozen

some time changes came without a fore warning, it hurts, it scary. some time i just wondered what it felt to lose some one that so dear to you, and when it happen it felt ... it's difficult to describe in human word, multiplied with the feeling of guilt of not having more time with the dearest one. when the moment that she leaves, i felt great lost, fear, missing her. And now, after a while, life goes on, and yet something is hollow within my soul, i have tried to filled it with activity and targets, and yet the hollow get larger and larger.

without any other souls presence, some time tears dropped from these eyes, it just felt comforting, to fill that hollow inside. And yet it's not a replacement of her presence, afterwards i just have to face the fact that she is not within my grasp anymore, no more just a number away. And it strike me hard to realize that i don't have her anymore.I Thought another time, another reality, maybe things would be different, and yet it felt like a knife slicing my chest just to imagine such thing.

and as each passing moments day by day i realize what kind of monster of ignorance that i've become, second chance would never came again, and i cannot wake up tomorrow morning to have a brand new me. sometime i regret of being who i am now.
sometimes in this moment i blame upon the great being that called itself God, for what had happened from the past until now. and yet each and every curse that i yelled makes me more realize that i am so powerless facing what some philosophers would say fate.

for the first time i felt frozen in life, fear started to clouded my soul, i see uncertainty playing in the horizon. and i just stood here confused what to do.

if there's a soul repository some where out there and being hold by that super being called God, please take care of her for me, please explain to her that i'm sorry for those time of being unable to visit her. but then again i believe she understand that she doesn't need my apologies, yet these guilt stood still.

but still
i miss her a lot.
i miss a presence of a wise to talk to.
i miss someone who understand me but still don't demand anything from me.

Komentar

Posting Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

Ide: Membuat Library dan membuka DLL / so dengan Lazarus

Gambar
Beberapa hari yang lalu ada sebuah ide muncul di kepala ini, bagaimana kalau seandai-nya bisa memecah modul program yang aku buat menjadi beberapa file yang bisa di update atau di buang setiap saat, dengan modul konfigurasi tentu-nya. Maka di mulai lah perjalanan-ku dalam mencari bagaimana cara-nya di lazarus, tentu saja memang solusi-nya yang sekilas keluar di mata adalah BPL, cuma masalah-nya kalau di lazarus tidak bisa compile library dan di load pada saat runtime, hilang 1 opsi, maka setelah itu aku coba cari opsi lain, AHA ! DLL aja tuh.. Dynamic Link Library kalau di windows, .so kalau di linux.. di Mac aku ngga tau.. setelah beberapa saat browsing.. aku menemukan beberapa kendala dalam penggunaan dan pembuatan library di lazarus dan sangat mencolok adalah ngga bisa-nya fungsi ShareMem yang ngga bisa di pakai. tapi memang belum afdol kalau tidak dicoba sendiri. oke.. pertama kita bikin library-nya.. Buka IDE Lazarus Buka New.. Project | Library Setelah itu kita akan di sajikan e...
Baca selengkapnya

Waaarrrggghhhh Waarrgghhh ? (What happened ?i)

Uuurrghhh gggrraaahhhhh eergghhh hheeerrgghhh... grrhhggghhg ffrrrrbbmmmlll grrrgh kaaaarrrrrkkkkkhhhhh? (today i realize that i already became a zombie, the question is what did i've done that i became like this?) diidddrrd dthyyygrrgghh rghhryyyss ggrrh? orr ggrffmm drgaggddghhhhy frrgggiiyyy ggghh dfghhhhllmnn ssaghhhrrryyy ? (did i get bored being alone and helpless ? or is it because too many incoming tasks while i cannot quicly understand the problem ? ) mmmmbbbbbyyyy dddidgggghhhhrryyy ggghhhyyyfffffmnnnn.. tooo bbssssyyy hhhggghlnngg ooothhhrrrrr....... (maybe because i just unable to manage all of them enough now... to bussy in helping other with their problem while i forgeting my own problem..) nnnewwww sttttarrrrtttt nnnnnnddddd hhhhhhooooopppppp.... (i hope a new start can give me a better insight of what should i do) ppppoooosssiiiittttiiiiivvvvvv (just try being a more positive thinking type person ) uuunndddddrrrrrsttttmmmttt nnnniiichhhhttt... oorrrrgggggnnnzz...
Baca selengkapnya

software application

In term of application software construction, sometimes the primary goals that i thought is that giving a deliverable, which is an application running with out problem program.. with the application program is standing on some infrastructure such as Operating System, Virtual Machine, and also built upon some language that most popular so that it's continuity support is guaranteed. but recently i crossed my mind, that the main commodity that we should provide is the service to gather information and in unified way so that enable us to easily retrieve in sometime in the future. so.. in that context i can say that the main deliverable is the mechanism and steps to help our client to gather data in unified way.. hm.. i think this is a basic knowledge that thought in MIS Lecture.. but who am i but some who damned to remember again and again.. hehehe like they say, more often you stumbled into something same, the more expert you'll be come.
Baca selengkapnya